Me Ne Frega

Spokane, Washington

1. Mickey Jammy

“Hello. I spent a few years in close to daily contact with travis and he lived with me in my apartment at one point. Over that time i saw travis involved in several relationships with femm presenting folks who at that time were around  7 -9 years younger than him. Eventually i moved away from spokane to coeur d’lane where i met a new community and established myself there. Eventually from talking to people i met someone else from spokane that also knew travis.

One night me and that person were sharing some drinks and they disclosed to me that travis had made sexual advances at her and when she declined he became aggressive and tried for lack of better language “talking her into it” and he was able to just that. but she never was alone with him again after that night and didnt know how to tell anyone about what happened because of feeling shamed by travis and unsure if was even sexual assault because she said yes.  Which is a textbook example of an abuser silencing their victims

I had gone back to spokane to see friends and wanted to talk to travis about this. In hindsight now that was my mistake was even giving travis and inch to explain himself. As soon as the subject was even breached he turned the conversation into accusing me of being a police informant.

One of the main narratives he used to propel this story was one time he shot a slingshot out of my apartment window and the police came into my apartment with extreme violence and force and while we were all being interrogated they had threatened to take our friends child into cps if no one stood up and took the blame. He was going to let that child fall into the system to protect himself from getting a ticket or serving a weekend in county. Eventually i stood up and  said i had done it.
I was taken out of the apartment in handcuffs and sat in the back of a cruiser where they eventually gave me a misdemeanor ticket that was around 700$ And let me go. Travis claimed the only reason i was able to avoid jail was because i told them i was an informant. Which is fucking ludacris.

This story of me being a police informant divided out community into two camps of believing travis vs believing me and travis had successfully silenced my story of his sexual assault because at this point so many folks believed i was a cop.

This story travis told haunted my life for years after this. I would go to shows and groups would approach me and threaten me with extreme violence for being a snitch and i was ousted from community’s i had contributed energy and real time into which heavily contributed to my life and mental health falling down a pretty intense spiral.

Now i am able to sit down with almost everyone from that time and they have apologized to me for believing such a monster and i am able to forgive them but i am not able to forgive someone with such a pattern of abuse and silencing anyone who comes forward about his abuse. There are many many other stories but i feel like it is only my place to tell you mine.

I have reached out to my friend in idaho but havent heard back. When i will i will pass on your contact information

Travis is a fucking monster with a rich deep history of sexual abuse allegations and is not someone that should be allowed into any community where vulnerability is apart of the value system. I do not know what has happened to prompt your reaching out but i truly hope all of his abuse is brought to the light that person has to face all of it.  

I have talked to several other folks youve reached out to and i just want to say thanks for taking the time and emotional labor to examine all these situations as it can be extremely triggering to digest this many stories of abuse all at once.”

2. Zach (last name redacted by request)

“Travis went by Travis Riehl back then (I believe his government last name) and he really showed up in Spokane and was the “leader” of the anarchist community- which was comprised of mostly teenagers and people about 5 years younger than Travis, but up to 8-10 years. Travis was very manipulative with his friends and relationships in the community, as well as the women that he slept with and dated in the community. Looking back, Travis was probably the first person I knew to use their social capital as a shield for their abusive behavior against womxn. He dated pretty much exclusively under 18, and while I don’t know/can’t remember the details of the problems, I remember vividly that each relationship that ended, the womxn felt so burned, left behind, and talked about his manipulative and abusive behavior. Again specifics are hard to remember as it’s been so long.

If this doesn’t have to do with womxn (which I find hard to believe)- Travis was dangerous in other ways. One way he really burned me was after I got arrested at a protest for a SERIOUS felony, and I asked Travis to stay out of my court case and not to talk to media or anyone about my case. I thought because of his many screeds about security culture, etc- that I could trust him with this task. Only a week after I asked him, he spraypainted “[last name redacted] Did No Wrong” all over downtown Spokane, which was all over the local news and made the chances of my charges being dropped all but nil.”

3. Judy Davis

“So, lets talk about the biggest piece of shit to ever live. Haha
My main experience with him happened 15 years ago so I’ve either blocked out memories or have just forgotten but i can at least give you the gist.
I met him when i was 16 years old and he was 19. I was extremely shy, timid and in a way naive person at the time.
He had just moved back to Spokane from San Diego and we had a mutual friend, so the 3 of us would hang out but everyone else hated him and he made me feel like i didn’t need them anymore and i just needed him, which isolated me. He was very demeaning to me, making sure that I understood that i wasn’t attractive and that he was the only boy who would ever want me. Doing this by comparing me to other girls in the scene, for example: that girl is way hotter then you but i am doing you a favor by hanging out with you instead.
He also used things he learned about me, to keep me down. Im very dyslexic and had a hard time in school so he would make me feel very stupid all the time.
He also took my virginity under weird circumstances. Im not going to say rape but over the years have realized it was not what i wanted and the experience was not comfortable.
We only hung out for like 2 months. The 3 days after he took my virginity he stopped talking to me, like we would still hang out but he completely ignored me until I brought it up to him and his response was that he was gonna go back to san diago because i was a huge bitch who he didn’t want to be associated with anymore because i made him feel bad about himself.
2 years later he showed back up and that’s when the whole anarchy Travis started. Which he continued to only have young 16 year old girls hanging around.
I do know one person who he raped while they were dating. It was before i knew him and i don’t think she would talk about it.
I hope this helped or even made sense and if you have any questions let me know.
I also would like to say that the way he treated me caused me to spend the last 15 years in abusive relationships because i didn’t know that that wasn’t the way you were suppose to feel. So thank you for doing this because honestly the bastard deserves to rot in Hell.
Good luck”

4. Redacted

“Fuck Travis.

He never got me but I lived with him and saw his ability to manipulate people. It was so long ago that it is impossible to remember all the details but I know that he’s predatory and plays mindfuck games with his partners. I suggest that no one interested in political, or otherwise, organising, work with him because he is obviously creating an insecure space to work inside of.

I imagine he has put infinitely more work into creating this environment for himself than he has towards advancing his politics. The feds scared his ass and he didn’t have the network he thought he had to support him so he left and landed there. I mean, he’s gotta be checked up on periodically and that puts anyone around him at risk as well. Not to mention the direct risk he himself poses to others. There comes a point when dialogue and evidence aren’t enough and it may be a good time then to take a second look at the situation and adjust accordingly.”

5) Cameron Kjeldgaard

“I was about 18 when I met him. I look back on my experiences… and yeah, he’s a confident and charming person, but when I reflect on it now there is so much in those interactions that was manipulative and predatory. I lived with him for about two years here in Spokane, and I’d even visited a couple times when he was still on federal probation and had just moved to the Phoenix area. But the more ok came into my own as a person the more I realized he’s a manipulative pile of human garbage. There was spicy about his behavior when we lived together, on top of asexual assault allegations from ex partners. All things I should’ve taken more seriously and found more disturbing at the time. But like I said, he’s charming and confident; and I was this young impressionable kid. And those were the types of folks he surrounded himself with back then, and still apparently.

It took me years and a lot of reflection to start unpacking that stuff. At the time I didn’t even realize how much I was being towed around and manipulated. But even the things you’ve talked about him saying and doing so far are so full of red flags. It was the same back then,  I look back on it and I’m blown away that I wasn’t more off put, or disturbed, by him being a greasy 25 yr old having a sexual relationship with a sixteen yr old girl. But he’s intelligent and charming, and very good at twisting leftist rhetoric into a justification for his inappropriate behavior”

6. Lily (last name redacted by request)

Even sitting here in my home that I feel safe in, that I have worked hard for; through nearly six years clean and sober, through four years studying to become a wildlife biologist, and through the months of therapy I wept through, I am shaken and angry. I remember an exercise my therapist put me through that had me face my past self, a child who had been repeatedly traumatized. I chose to tell 16-year-old me that I loved her, that she would survive, and that it would all be okay. I say this because I know that those in this punk, anarchist, subversive community are often traumatized already; I was-, we were-, we are looking for a DIY family. It is this that really brings us together; you may be affluent or have experienced poverty, may be any race, or identify with your body or mind in varying ways, but often the knots that bind us are made of a need for a community to feel safe and at home in, perhaps for the first time. I think this is why I feel like crying when I reflect back on Travis Riehl’s time in Spokane; like a cult leader he found those who were most vulnerable and positioned himself as a person of authority. My personal trauma at this time caused me to feel so angry with men in positions of power that I resented and distanced myself from him, as I saw him guiding from his invisible pulpit to others in my community. However, I can say that he was inflicting more damage than just encouraging children to excommunicate themselves from loved ones, drop out of their educations, or even to give him money.

I will refer to someone other than myself now, she is my most cherished friend, I have chosen her as a sister, and have held her and kissed her tears away too many times because of Travis Riehl. For her story, there is no extreme age gap to easily illustrate his predatory nature, but she grew up in the church, was abused by her father, watched her father abuse her mother, and was as I said earlier, a vulnerable child looking for safety. I met her when she was with T, although I never saw them together. She was sexually traumatized by him, and that harm has lasted even until now. He would rape her as her partner, insisting past her protests and making her feel small. I should clarify that at this time, even in our subculture, conversations regarding consent were not yet happening successfully, and I know she felt that as her partner he had access to her body in a way that no one does. It took work and time for her to understand that he was repeatedly raping her. He also put her through sexual abuse that disallowed her from orgasming, his control of her body was extreme, and only recently has she felt safe enough with a partner to feel pleasure during sex. I feel so angry thinking about all of this, and I wish that she felt healed enough to communicate her own experience. Her life is beautiful and full, although she has distanced herself from the nearly the entire community she was a part of, save for a few.

Afterwards, T moved on to another friend of mine; another young and vulnerable girl, I believe she was 17 and he was 25. I think back on how I felt about that age gap at the time, and I think we all just felt so sincerely that we were grown, that we didn’t think too much of it. For this girl, all I know is that he held himself hostage against her and attempted suicide when she didn’t negotiate his release. I believe someone has reached out to her, but she has distanced herself in an extreme way.

Something else I will include is how he had a tendency to try and remove “power” (Popularity? Attractiveness?) from other men in our community. I had a partner then who was handsome, fit, smart, and well-liked. He also had a history of violence and a young child. T concocted a plan to point to him as a government informant and destroy his reputation. At this time, we had FBI agents milling around, labeling us a gang for some of the action that had been taken. They had gone to parents houses and just generally been being a presence. He convinced nearly everyone that this person had worn a wire because the FBI had threatened to remove his custody of his son if he didn’t. This ruined a lot of friendships and tore this man from the community.

I’ll end my input here, but I do want to reiterate that I don’t have all the details for the stories I have told, and that I know Travis has harmed more women. I know of maybe 3 more girls he raped, and many others who got addicted to drugs or alcohol because of his doctrine. I myself dropped out of high school a week before graduating with an AA degree and a 3.5 GPA as a political protest. Which led me to years of drug and alcohol addiction. I won’t pin all of that on T, but I will say that he is frivolous and dangerous with his preaching. In this world, I only hate and wish harm on my friends’ rapists and abusers, and my own, Travis Riehl’s name rests squarely and justifiably on that list. He is a predator, he is an abuser, he is raping people in your community, he is abusing them mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually. He cannot be healed, therapy will not help him, he has no remorse. Get him away from the vulnerable individuals of your community, because he will harm them.

Phoenix, Arizona

1. Ashley Wood

Preface

Foremost this is my personal experience and I consider it no other person’s right or responsibility to believe or disbelieve me. None of that changes what actually happened. Being believed or disbelieved is not my purpose of sharing this experience. Likewise I do not consider it my right or responsibility to observe how anyone associates with those involved.

I knew Travis James Riehl for about three years, two and a half of which I spent living with him. The full context of these experiences could span the length of dozens of pages. For brevity I’ll focus on two things: the grooming process as a whole and my individual direct experience with the following sexually abusive behavior.

The Targeting and Grooming Process

Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them feel more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.

Travis seeks out grooming targets who are vulnerable in some way. While Travis targets exclusively young people, the purpose is not about age as a number but rather as a correlation with vulnerability that allows for the power imbalance dynamic to be immediately established. Additional target traits often include struggle with mental illness, substance abuse problems, and overall inexperience. Potential grooming candidates are the youngest people involved in local punk/anarchist/folk music and radical anarchist politics. Because Travis is heavily active in these groups, immediate adoration on that basis becomes another trait fitting the target profile that assists the grooming process.

Because targets are always significantly younger than Travis and many are under 18, Travis responds with advocacy for teenage/youth agency when questioned about the control dynamic present in his relationships. Choosing to associate almost exclusively with significantly younger people gives Travis the defense mechanism of focusing arguments about his behavior on the age of his grooming targets instead. Seeking mature relationships during developmental years has understandable motives. Seeking immature relationships far into adulthood has vile motives.

Travis effectively socially isolates his grooming targets in a number of ways. Firstly with radical politics/philosophy. I agree with many of the political/philosophical statements made by Travis, however his purpose in taking political stances is exclusively a tool to socially isolate his targets. Because so few people align with anarchism, nihilism, and egoism in general, let alone the complete spectrum of Travis’s political/philosophical views, this becomes an easy first choice in Travis’s methods of exercising social control. Grooming targets are discouraged from association with anyone outside Travis and other subordinates if they do not align with Travis’s politics. One significant indicator that this is a tool for control is that Travis does not hold his grooming targets or himself to this standard.

Secondly Travis uses social ridicule to isolate his targets. Presented as if for the purpose of laughter, this is used to convey severe contempt for individuals that pose any threat to his control over his targets. When his ridicule is used as a tool it is not a joke that has a serious significance, rather a serious statement being made in a comical fashion to downplay the manipulative quality of it. Ridicule is also a technique Travis uses to lower the self esteem of his targets as a part of the grooming process. In group settings this also assists in developing adoration from the present targets that are not being ridiculed who can then participate alongside Travis in demeaning another subordinate.

One tool Travis uses for socially isolating his grooming targets is simply claiming someone is “crazy”. This is usually used on people once Travis has finished grooming, abusing, and finally socially excommunicating them from his other grooming targets. Travis usually begins severe emotionally/psychologically/sexually abusive behaviors towards his targets after one or two years of grooming, however sometimes as soon as six months with the assistance of an already established group of subordinates. The severe behaviors eventually become impossible for the target to tolerate causing a series of emotional outbursts. For this reason the emotional distress inflicted is not minimized, rather maximized to support the following social excommunication under claims of emotional instability. Additionally Travis will sometimes claim complete strangers to his targets are crazy to discourage targets from associating with them. This isn’t done often, only when the target cannot be discouraged from outside association by some other means because the stranger aligns politically with Travis and is not susceptible to ridicule.

Social excommunication is sometimes voluntary by the ex target. Some targets that have observed enough forceful social excommunication will realize they will not be able to salvage relationships with Travis’s followers after they endure abuse, so they socially excommunicate themselves. Alternatively targets may voluntarily allow themselves to be excommunicated during the grooming process if they become uncomfortable with the social dynamic.

After the Grooming: My Personal Anecdotes

Person X met Travis at the age of seventeen or eighteen (I’ve heard Travis and X interchange that number) and had been romantically involved with him exclusively for 4 years. After ending their exclusive relationship X continued to be romantically involved with Travis. I knew this at the beginning of my non-exclusive relationship with X. This factor was a major part of my insistence on an open relationship, despite X pushing for a monogamous relationship. To my knowledge at the time it seemed as though X was not monogamous but engaged in monogamous relationships with the intention of causing their partner emotional distress by means of cheating.

During my relationship with X, Travis and X attempted to coerce me into laying in bed (not sex) with them. It started as a simple offer and a no thank you. Travis and X were persistent in attempting to get me to agree and insisted there was no reason I shouldn’t want to. After an extended period of time being pressured I was uncomfortable with sleeping there at all, with them or not. I went to leave but X convinced me to stay, though I still refused to sleep in the bed with them. Prior to this Travis hadn’t planned on sleeping there in the first place but was experiencing painful health problems so I told X have him sleep over with us instead of in his less comfortable home at the time. At no point did I express discontent with Travis’s presence. However Travis later brought up this experience to criticize my relationship with X claiming it was an indication I was a bad, jealous partner.

Before I had any romantic involvement with X (and before my knowledge of X’s romantic interest in myself) Travis and X planned and conducted a process of “priming” and subsequent coercion of me into sex with X who was at the time engaged in a monogamous relationship with a fourth party, Y. The “priming” technique is something Travis had previously described his use of to me, using that word specifically. It’s a fairly simple tactic of leading someone to an emotional/mental state of vulnerability prior to attempting to pursue them for some sort of personal gain. While simple it is implemented in very severe ways to accomplish his goals. The priming performed on me included a conversation about what my friends “really” thought of me while Travis and I drank together. The end of the conversation left me in tears and physically manifesting hysteria. At the time I was grateful Travis had shared the information with me because I would rather know what people thought, even if it was upsetting. However it later became clear that he specifically conducted this conversation just before his partner attempted to coerce me, specifically for the purpose of assisting that coercion.

X began to coerce me when the two of us were hanging out with Travis. Later in the evening the three of us discussed what to do next after stopping at home but Travis ended up going to bed for the night while X and I went back out. This evening occured was while X was in a monogamous relationship with Y and had given no indication of romantic interest toward me. This evening was shortly after the “priming” conversation leading me to a place of complete isolation amongst our group of friends. X and I went back out without Travis and X began making advances toward me. This was especially confusing in the context of not only their current monogamous relationship with Y, but also our strictly platonic interactions previously that same evening.

I later asked X directly if they were flirting with me to which they replied yes and began pressuring me for reciprocation. After being pressured for a while I told X I was not obligated to give them a response.  I told them I was very surprised and confused by the situation and that I was not interested in engaging with them in any romantic or physical way while they were in a monogamous relationship. After being told this they asked for a kiss and I told them no. X then asked for a hug, I said yes, and they began kissing my neck. I ended the hug. Shortly after X asked again for a kiss and I declined. X asked once we got home to sleep in my bed and I declined. They told me they were too intoxicated to drive home and I told them to sleep on the couch.

After more advances I agreed to let them sleep in the bed. I understood by agreeing to this I was engaging them physically and I take responsibility for making that decision. I feel strongly that I made the wrong decision and negatively impacted Y especially. However I stress the significant differences between the problematic behavior of many individuals in counter culture groups and the systematic targeting, grooming, and abuse of youth in counter culture.

In the morning Travis talked to me about it and claimed the X genuinely cared for me, so the problems with the encounter didn’t matter. He also assured me that because they were successful, it didn’t matter that I was being pursued after saying no multiple times.

Travis then threatened me via messenger when I spoke out publicly about that experience. His threat was extensive and composed of several techniques, some of which are listed above in the overall grooming process. Travis claimed to be approaching me “diplomatically”, claimed account of my experience (which he was not present for) was incorrect, claimed I was not in a rational enough place to give an account, claimed I was not capable of discussing it further without further convolution (while later requesting we “ talk and work things out”), claimed he was already struggling to work past his deep upset with me (as if upsetting him was reason to not speak publicly on the experience), claimed that speaking on this experience proved his suspicions that I am a misogynist. Travis requested a “resolution” (as if the experience itself could be undone, or that deleting my post would undo anything) of “neutrality” (submission) or “full redaction” (complete submission). He said in this threat message he “hopes I’m different” as to provide an incentive of approval upon submission.

After failing to achieve my submission Travis immediately discontinued all contact with me.

I knew this whole situation was pretty fucked up, but the more I thought about it the worse it got. Even still after reading what others have gone through with this piece of shit, it’s apparent I strayed away from his grip before I had to endure some of the most severe sexual and psychological abuse he’s used to further his means of getting his ego and dick stroked by immature fans of his music.

At the time I’m writing this I know his most recent, most severe target/associate has yet to come out from under his thumb and as of yet still vehemently defends his behavior. I know this person has literally expressed in plain english they hate having sex with him but do so because he otherwise gets upset. There have been few moments they spoke of him this way privately and it seems as though they will not soon do so publicly, perhaps due to an emotional incapability to accept what’s happened in full. I know his closest associate and romantic partner prior to this person is now dead. There is no gap in the last fifteen years where he has not been actively seeking out people of or under age 18 to engage them in sexually and physchologically abusive behaviors/relationships while using politics, music and philosophy as a guise to do so within communities that are isolated enough already to allow creation of an even more isolated safe space as his immaturity drives most of the community away from him leaving far fewer standerbys with his immature targets so his actions can escalate in relative privacy.

2. Kyle King

I’ve typed and deleted this status so many times over the last year. So many people warned me of things that I was to thick to listen to. I’m still learning everyday. I’m trying to learn humility. I’m never going to ignore warnings of abusive behavior again. I’m never going to let somebody take away my power or my voice ever again either.

Travis James is a fucking predator. I protected him for years because I was impressionable, and vulnerable, and stupid. He preys on teenagers and people that he finds to be mentally incapable of standing up to him. He manipulates them, he abuses them psychologically, he convinces them that his actions are justified. We were fucking children when he got his claws into us and used his greater experience and knowledge to use us. To use us for a place to live, to use us as protection from people that saw through his shit, and most of all to use us to fill his constant sociopathic need to have people that he could control. He did this methodically and intelligently, using his greater knowledge of radical culture and philosophy to talk his way out of all his abusive behavior while making sure we all knew when our behavior was unhealthy. He made us think we needed to learn from him. He beat us down and made us feel like we needed him, and then would beat us down even more for looking up to him. He made us think that by controlling the entire social environment that he was doing a service for us. I’m not going to be afraid to speak out anymore. Travis James is a fucking sociopath and monster who destroys young people, mentally and emotionally. He’s done it to people in Phoenix for at least 8 years and was excommunicated from communities that he was involved with in the pnw due to sexual abuse allegations before that. (He always said sad kid couldn’t go to Oregon or Washington because he’s not accepted in communities there)
Multiple people have spoken out. Do what you want with their testimonies. I’m done feeling afraid and feeling like I’m guilty for not warning people.
Travis abused me for three years. He denied me my queer identity, and had me convinced that if I ever spoke out against him that he would ruin my life. I’ve seen him prey on 16 year olds. I’ve seen him steal from people he lived with. I’ve seen and heard him say multitude of transphobic bullshit. I’ve seen him capitalize on people’s addiction and mental illness in order to hold power over them. I’ve seen him threaten suicide in order to control people who were growing distant from him. I spent too long making excuses for a person who isn’t safe to be around.
There’s a reason why people question a 35 year old man who’s closest friends are all 16-22. He convinced me that it was because only we understood him and his lifestyle, that he was just “one of the brats” as he would put it. It was actually because we were easy prey.
I’m done being vague about it.

3. James Hauser

Travis

me

Backstory: Travis moves into a community squat home with people half his age, everyone starts binge drinking 24/7 and I feel too uncomfortable to go over there. So I messaged him about it because he posted something passive aggressive about me.

05/17/2013

How have you been.

awesome / crazy, how i like it

Crazy?

complicated, experienced, changes, excitement, devastation, love, passion, effort, work, broadening, learning, smiling, crying, etc

hmm

That’s cool

lol yeah it is

why are you being weird though

I was just asking, we have not talked since march

Is there any reason to chat with me anymore?

laquer of internet

that’s the main thing.

i just got the other day, i got the job done, and i try to keep it working. it crashes every 5/10 minutes or so. but at least i can get neighbors internet sometimes now. so, i was just in san diego for a week

lol

Whats the non main part?

other part is fuck the internet, you should come and hang out, but you dont. I have no way around places and you do. So, you have not been hitting me up and shit, even though I’ve always enjoyed our exchanges, despite my critical attitude about some of them. so i dunno, sometimes shit just goes that way. I have close to friends that I have spoken to in years.

“critical attitude about some of them”. Thats a complete understatement

no, it is not

Totally

Even though some of it is pushing you to say shit

lol

I dont hate those talks, dislike them, feel bitter about them, judge them, or paint appreciation for them. So all that’s left is critical. if you want to disagree with me, that’s your shit, and I’ll understand that. but that’s my assessment.

HAHA yeah exactly! ya turkey!

But i would come over more, i would not be so drunk …. and talking about how they were drunk, and how they are planning on getting drunk

Like it time I just fucked it

lol yea building, your prescriptions and weed and video games are so much cooler than the occupied residence that organizes punk shows

fuck off

Dont get so open

I have not played a game in months

im not offended at all dude

lol

I dont smoke at all

i almost said “Wow!” to the video game statement, then I realized the irony

I read, and exercise

That’s awesome, I’m happy for you. I’d like to know about these drastic changes about you

I have, so I’ve tried to do that.

Alcohol, and never EVER take in incentive to talk to me

Dude, I know ONE alcoholic. Gonzo. if you think that’s more than that, it’s an alcoholic, you need a reality check, dude.

Every time I’ve had a drink every day.

How is not alcoholic?

I have so far been struggling with it.

lol

dude “drinking every day” is not alcoholism, first of all, but I understand how you could make that mistake. That’s understandable. I think it’s worthy of critique, but you have some unfounded judgment that you’re harboring and wielding.

lol chirst

“dude” drinking every day “is not alcoholism” What the fuck?

Are you drunk right now?

Wow dude. Read a book about it.

You turned this into a personal thing …

I understand though ..

Talking about drinking “every time.” The initiation of “talking” about what’s going on.

Dude. You. Do not. Do. Shit. And that’s ok. I love that. I do not care. But you’re a young man, you can come to a squat house with a creative person who is an incredible shit and just hear about their drinking.

lol

Go to bed travis.

Plus, this “every time” that you’ve come across has been rare as fuck.

Im really fucking nice right now, and i feel like your spitting in my face.

Really fucking nice

Dude, I hope your AK tattoo keeps you feeling hard at your mom’s house, you dumb child. Yeah, I’m spitting in your judgmental face, dude. What you said was dumb. We can talk another time about this if you want. But I’ma go hang out with my friends now.

thought I’d add … I understand your concern, and even your adversity, especially when you are concerned about it. I’ve just had too experience (both really good, and really devastating, like death). I wont boter reiterating thhat stuff. It just pissed me off to someone I respect and care about. honestly think it takes a long time to get away from it all. I jut thought you were better than that, and would have better than that, given your history of substance abuse for so long at such an early age, and how you basically talk about needing prescription medicine to try on / read / practice things , I’ve councilled you on BOTH of those things. I’ve been on a long road trip since I can not remember, so you can do it on your own. And one of the reasons for that is “alcoholics”

I’m glad to hear you’ve stopped smoking weed. And i would not judge you if you started again for a while, and stopped for a while, and started for a while. which is probably what’s going to happen. like having a drink. it juts really sounds like you’re caught up in writing your friends off wit petty excuses, and that you’re just too caught up in some bullshit to reeber wy you care about them and what makes them beautiful. When you were a dumbass stoner, the whole point of this, when it started, what explaining to you that I care about you and would like to see you more. hahaha.

and to clarify, i really meant this: “You. Don’t. Do. Shit. And that’s ok. I love that. I don’t care.” I really ont care what you do, I tink mountain biking and reaing an video games and livin with moms is fuckin awesome. I not bein sarcastic, i really mean it. I thought id do ore than brush on tat so you knew tat my point was to let you know that what you’re putting on your friends with your attitude about their drinking is pressure, and that’s why they don’t listen to you or give a fuck, not becaues they’re “alcoholics.” I refuse to reciprocate that social pressure back at you. People/friends/whatever aren’t social clubs reducible to one common attribute like “drinking” or “sparring.” Its more commplicated than that, and I hope you  come to see that in your own way.

Alright. that’s enough for now. feel free to respond or ignore. i just wanted to clarify an elaborate. aint no thang.

god dammit this keyboar the hardest shit to type on fuck arggh o pardon the typos

god dammit so many typos.

Talking to you over facebook about this is not going to work obviously … And Honestly this what LESS about the people living there and more about YOU.

You can write me novel about your critique on me, but in reality, you need to step the fuck back and start to analyze yourself and your influences on the people around you.

So go ahead and shoot off about how wrong

“i would come over more, i’d like to be drunk …. and talking about how they were drunk, and how they are planning on getting drunk

Like it time I just fucked it “

“it just hurts mah feelers when they get close to my friends”, and never EVER take in incentive to talk to me “

that was “mostly about me”?

I was not trying to asshole and target you on a personal level

But that already dwindling amount of respect was diminished last night, when you made me feel like shit.

Anyone who disagrees with you, feel like total fucking shit, friends included.

I’ve been watching you iv (i’ve been looking up too) fucking bully for your own amusement

hey i did that for your amusement too. if you’re over the joke, feel free to move on. there are legions of back-patting, holy turds who will help you feel better than anyone else, and youll find them.

haha

What?

I never thought you bullying people what amusing, i just looked past it becasue i looked up to you

Let me ask you something …. Who did you belittled?

“that mouth of yours lands you alone in a circle of friends”

lol k. You’ve become exceedingly talented and re-writing things. Whatever you need to do, dude. Do not look up to people, it makes you feel idiot to them later when you find out they’re human and have to deal with that fact.

A little context for what that means lyric means: I’m hanging out with a sitting wit the kid who’s song is about now. he heard it, thanked for it because of what he learned from it. You should try that.

Believe me i feel like a total fucking idiot

I do not know why I would look up to you in the first place, there’s no fucking thing about you that’s worth looking up to

Like i said, your only quilty is making people feel like shit

That must be the best feeling and such a fucking ego booster

Does it feel good travis?

Did you say last night make you feel good?

Hahaha, ok. Write off all the great times I’ve put together that you’ve had, write off the emotions, all the conversations we’ve had where I’m answering all of your questions to the best of my ability, write off all the times i’ve defended you to shit talkers that you didn’t even know about, etc. I’m not even remotely phased at the idea of someone thinking I have no redeemable qualities other than making people feel like shit. Even though you’re really trying to convince yourself of these things, I’d still throw you a badass party if you got arrested for hitting a cop or something, and i’ll still talk to you any time you want.

I’m barely even curious about how you were havin a dwindling respect for a person you haven’t had a close personal relationship with for so long. What makes you think you know enough about me or my life for that to have been hhhappening since we dont even talk? How am I doing? What am I doing? what am i working on? What am i thinking about? You know nothing about me, from me, and are deconstructing an image of me in your head that was never correct to begin with… and that’s the problem here. The best news I’ve heard in this whole exchange is that you stopped being stupid enough to “look up to” me. Hopefully, that carries on in to the rest of your life. Looking up to people is dumb.

We’ve always been mostly acquaintances, kid. We’ve never been THAT close. You don’t even know what a close friendship with me is like.

You never let anyone get that close travis

And what I said last night made me laugh, so I guess that’s “feeling good”.

Yeah, I do.

Quite a few people.

YOU hurt my feelings last night though, when I thought you were badmouthing our friends.

you mean “yourfriends”

no, i mean “our friends.” They love you. I love you. You’re just being a total fucking moron right now.

“But I’ma go hang out with my friends now”

“You’re just being a total fucking moron right now.”

You are sooooo fucking manipulative

If you have not been in an alcoholic, and I have been in a relationship with you for a while, I would like to share my thoughts with you my life and being creative and wanting to hang out with you. And then I probably did not call you out on a loud-mouthed mom punk.

“But I’ma go hang out with my friends now” “what a jab at you, ya goofus. haha. I literally just stating that I was going away from the computer … is that what this is about? I was not even KIND OF using the pronoun “my” in a way that would denote that they’re not your friends. They are your friends, and love you. I wish that had not been misunderstood.

Theres nothing I or ANYONE can say that makes you self analysis yourself.

I’m sick of your Psychology bullshit, “dude”

I’m so tired of watching you verbally abuse people, like they asked for your opinion.

computer crashed.

But in a way I really feel like fucking you for that, you can not even make that out of authority, even if it’s verbally abusing someone, or writing a song about them

Here’s the deal. I’m gunna cut the insults if you do. Sound good? We can try talking like adults, and subtract our attitudes from the equation, and treat each other like we care / understand. Sound good?

Are you joking travis?

No .

I’m done talking to you, try your tricks on someone else.

I’m asking you for mature discourse. It’s not a trick. I’m pissed off by things you said, and so I’ve been to asshole. You’re pissed off by things I said, so you’re being asshole. I’m not going to beg you, I’ll be totally fine, but I’m asking for a rational discourse where we try to understand each other without being insulting.

Travis you have already insulted me enough, I do not need you to stick to it while me soft talk.

I havnt been pissed off at someone in a few fucking years

I’m not sure what that means. I’d enjoy the chance to talk to you without any attitude. Will you engage me or not?

You should be pissed off at me, i said insulting shit to you. I can not relate to being as mad as you are, but I do not like being over a conversation. Would you like to give the chance for a discussion or not?

Why not.

Btw, this has been done for a while, you just finally said the wrong thing.

Again, I’m not sure how something could have been talk or hang out. Can you explain that to me? I’m not sure how I could have done anything to build up pressure.

This started with you asking me why we do not chat anymore. To me, that implies that like 12 hours ago, you were still intersted in staying in touch with me. I tried to explain to the best of my ability that it was nothing personal and that I’d like to talk and hang out. When I thought you were insulting my friends, I got aggressive. I definitely did not want to attack you to the point that you would decide to hate me or whatever. I do not believe that you honestly think I have no qualities. We’ve had too many good times, too many talks, and too many interesting, creative experiences together for me to find it easy to believe you really think that.

(I’ll wait for a response to my computer crashes, so i try to get a lot out before it does.)

Well, where should i start?

never mind i got this

Please try not to be insulting, I have a hard time giving attitude back and I’d like to talk things out with you.

<(influensive)> You are EXTREMELY charismatic, which is a really good thing in a lot of ways because of its hard for people to listen to you (or even look up to you).

1.) From what I’ve seen, And you’re basically affected, And Branson, Jacob, and me to drink .. (not so much me, mostly branson since lived with you a few people]).

2.) You have even gone out of your way to write a song to alienate gen.

3.) I was hanging out with his old house, and it was really awesome because we got to do some kickboxing, school, and work. But it seems that when he drinks a lot of it, he says, “I just witnessed this at the leftover house you hold him to drink when you’re around him, even if you’re not holding a bottle of alcohol to his mouth])

4.) Anyone who has ever been good enough to stand up, has been completely verbally abused, and has had their criticism, turned around on them, and basically outed in front of everyone. (why you would ever embarrass someone for personal gain is beyond me)

<(Overly Critical of any opinion outside your own)>

I can not tell you, yet keep count of many different opinions, you have smashed in a million pieces. Josue’s mogollon rim trip, ect, ect. I have seen you public belittle people about the events they are starting or planing on, including the Ara benefit

…. I guess I can not help but I really do not like talking to people, or telling them stuff, their obviously will not consider .. 😕

Not to mention many times I’ve tried to talk to you in the past about alcohol abuse, and you’ve always told me what was wrong basically

So on many other occasions you basically argued against any sort of physicality, meaning working out, taking care of yourself, moutain biking, camping, the list goes on and on: l

Not to mention how many times I’ve tried to talk to you about alcohol abuse * within our own community *

( computer crashed, not even typing a novel, i just have to save it in a notepad over and over)

Well if you “know me” then you would know that i’ve been working on computers since i was twelve, and i could have worked on your computers and never expected anything in return.

(1) All of those people started using substances before I even did, and I pointed out earlier, I’m very critical of heavy / frequent substance use. WHEN we hang out, not general like it’s something you should do. You have personal experience with me using my influence. You recall this, right? You remember that we had extensive conversations about how? I’ve been talking to you in the same way. Before I move in here, branson was drinking every day, and what he told me he wanted to do it as much, and i told him that what a good idea. That’s a fact.

(2) You’re not correct, here. Ask about it. Gen is sitting right here. I clarified to you earlier. We stayed friends before and immediately after that song. It was not alienate gen, and what not to alienate gen. The lyrics are conceptualizing talking too much about illegal shit in a way that jeopardizes the safety of others. That’s all about it. Ask gen what he thinks of the song. So, the whole song was Jessie’s idea, including that chorus line, which she wrote. So feel free to ask about it, too. As I told you, Gen understood that the song was not a personal fucking attack, and that it was a fair conceptual criticism that he considered and appreciated. That’s that.

(3) You need to ask about that. DOUBT cite me as a major help in LIFE. Go ahead and ask him. He used to come to me for wanting to drink less because he said I’d support him and be a great help. Your assessment here is literally backwards. If you ask him, he will undoubtedly confirm that he uses me to drink more than I leftovers House. How did you come to the impression? What did you say earlier? We do not know each others’ lives well enough for you to be assuming / asserting these things about me.

(4) All I can really do is disagree. I could not give you countless examples of how that’s not true, but I’m hesitant to explain myself here because I fear that you’re not receptive. I love and appreciate those who stand up to me. I think this conversation is going to be a good example of that for you to consider. I can definitely be verbally destructive, but in my view, that’s when I’m standing up, when I’m attacking someone else , For example, I started barking at you last night not to defend myself, but because I thought you were judging people. I cared about. My goal is not to “make myself feel better,” but yeah, I think that shitty, I do that. Sometimes, this carries over to me being verbally destructive at times where I’d prefer not to be. I admit this, and challenge myself about this fact, and have done so. If we knew each other better, you would know this about me. I’ve never had any to tell you if I was too hard on someone, or what I’d say about how I hurt someone’s feelings, and you have no room to try and tell me that I do not analyze or criticize myself, because we have never been close enough for you to know or even that is true. Maybe we can change that. I have a lot of shit on my mind lately, if you want to get to know me beyond a show / music / making fun of people / etc level. I can stand up for myself, and how I can use my verbal destruction against powerful enemies who deserve it. I struggle with my penchant for talking with my relationships. We all struggle. I struggle with it. Now you know.

(5) If I’m telling you you’re wrong about alcohol abuse, it’s for a reason. I get where you’re coming from, but I would suggest going back over those conversations and see if I was being specific. Something I’ve noticed in our exchanges is that I have a hard time clarifying nuance to you when I mean something specifically and you’re taking it generally. An example is in this talk earlier, when I first wrote you said that I really understand your concern, and that I could not turn it on in an addiction / problem situation, and that it’s good to call that out .. but they’re not mean they’re alcoholics NOW. That’s the kind of subtle difficulty you’ve had, and I try my best to clarify. Like i said, Had i known you were talking about me,

(6) I’ve never argued against physical health / improvement. This is another example of specifics like I mentioned in (5). I would bet every possession that I have on this: if you go back and read those exchanges, you will hear me referring to those things as something. So you want to find encouragement and support and probably even excitement from me when I heard you were together with people to do that shit. I know that you know this is true. There’s no way you’ve just forgotten. I think it’s just awesome. I think it’s just awesome ‘and there’ I was more interested in it. I’m just not. I just got a chat with them and they have their own skills, and that’s maybe better than that. Do you remember that?

(7) I do not know that you do computers. And you have helped me with mine, more than once, even, I think. haha. So i do not know what you were getting at there. But anyway, I do not pretend to know you very well. I never have. I know I like about you, and that’s all I ever cared about. And this is why I do not appreciate all of these assumptions, and all these animosity at me, and why I respond with hostility. I have been bullshit, and have bullied, and I have been bullied. Call me on my bullshit, defend when someone does not know what they’re talking about. I dunno. That’s all.

Thanks for sharing and shit.

One example of such defense: Some 5th street fools were calling you one of my “followers.” And I’m fucking them, they’re gonna do a smart, independent thinker who does what they want and is fucking awesome. That’s why this “looked up to you” stuff distressed me so much earlier. I did not wanna hear that coming against me. In fact, there’s a little blurb in a note I wrote back in the day that had you in mind specifically (along with like 3 others). I’ll find the quote for you. Here it is … it’s from the night at the trunkspace. You and a few other people were what I thought when I wrote this:

I now like this, I believe it is true that I occasionally hear that I can not say that I have the same opinion wonder, which comes first, the effect of the impression? “If you hear the words” impressionable youth “in a condescending and / or belittling manner, Bob help me, I would love nothing more than to give my respect to my heart to my feelings the most important to me is self-actualization and self-responsibility.think for themselves, “what is the meaning of the word”, “what does it mean?”, and “what’s the meaning of the thought?” literally and applied by a child rapist “You’re about to discuss the topics of the discussion, and how to relate to another human’s position, but steadfastly leveling accusations of irresponsible influence Do not Know What The Fuck You’re Talking About. “think for yourself “is a questionnaire that asks for the sake of the question, and how it relates to another human’s position, but steadfastly leveling accusations of irresponsible influence has me thinking “You Do not Know What The Fuck You’re Talking About.”think for yourself “is a questionnaire that asks for the sake of the question, and how it relates to another human’s position, but steadfastly leveling accusations of irresponsible influence has me thinking “You Do not Know What The Fuck You’re Talking About.”

(Please notice the self-criticism involved in that last quote.) notice I am asking questions about myself youth “are being condescending.)

for that matter, please notice that I cared enough at all to ask you 3 separate times if you’d talk to me without insulting each other. I know you at Leight know me better than to say a lot of the things you said today.

Aabout “standing up to me” because you’ve never done it before. In the worthy of some respect. My close friends do. And, by the way, if you have a bunch of people posing as your friends and comrades in a row TIME letting people get very close to me.

Despite a two or three things I disagree with you, you have made a pretty fucking solid argument … and I really respect that.

That’s all I would have wanted. I do not have any friends, but I’m at a spot. And it took a long time and a lot of effort to get there. “I was taught to throw everything away … family, friends, tv dinners …” you know. It’s fuckin hard. Thanks for listening, and I’m glad to have your respect.

Maybe I just got out of my mind, what’s the point of my life?

that’s what i’ve been saying! and that’s all anyone can ever do. I try to be patient, but I’m terrible at patience, so seriously fucking thanks for saying “why not” to talking it out. I probably did not try that a few years ago, and it’s really helpful to know that.

I’m not sure what’s going on between us

yeah, it’s all internet, is the problem. I’m not a very mobile person, and I really DO suck at making “get close friends” efforts … We’ve talked about that before, like when you’re about to hang out, and im like “ehh i dunno … yeah, but i dunno … “. haha.

but like i said, so i have got THITTED to be free

and if you dont wanna come over cus of drinkin and shit, i get that. but when I DO see you, I just hope we’re cool and shit either way.

have you read my “friends suck” song lyrics? it’s pretty relevant here, too. i’ve been told it helps people work out, maybe you’ll get something out of it. i’ll send it in a sec.

here it is:

https://www.facebook.com/notes/travis-james/friends-suck/10150093265321273

I wrote the lyrics in like 2007. It should have been just how deeply and how long I’ve dealt with the fact that I’m asshole.

heh